ramble

[Verse 1] My dreams are all I have while reality's collapsing I will fold like a tesseract, or like a deer in the high-beams I'm livin' out of phase with this plane of existence Casting shadows in a cave as an act of resistance

[Verse 2] I don't have time to hunt rabbits, holes are for spades I've got enough bad habits, (MG Ultra) I've wasted enough time So now I fortify my mind with arcane wisdom I'm looking for the signs with prescient visions

[Chorus] I'm trying to survive, will I make it through the night? I'll keep fighting 'til I die (Until I die) I'm trying to survive, will I make it through the night? I'll keep fighting 'til die, until I-I-I— die (Die, die)

[Verse 3] Looking over my shoulder, watching memories fade It's the fear I can't shake, but I can forge my own shield Keep my phantom eye peeled 'cause the devil's in the details And I'm never at peace, at war with the real

[Chorus] I'm trying to survive, will I make it through the night? I'll keep fighting 'til I die (Until I die) I'm trying to survive, will I make it through the night? I'll keep fighting 'til I die (Until I die)

[Bridge] Don't forget to breathe, don't forget to breathe Don't forget to breathe, don't forget to breathe Don't forget to breathe, don't forget to breathe Don't forget to breathe, don't forget to breathe

[Interlude] One day I'll be something One day I'll be a memory One day I'll leave this dream One day (You'll see)

[Verse 1] My dreams are all I have while reality is collapsing I will fold like a tesseract, or like a deer in the high-beams I'm livin' out of phase with this plane of existence Casting shadows in a cave as an act of resistance

[Outro] Until I die, until I die Until I die, until I die Until I die, until I die Until I die (I'm fuckin' tired already, when is this show gonna be over?)

you dont know anything

therefore you should not even be here. educate yourself before doing this. practice. more practice. oh you werent told? thats your fault, you should be more proactive with questions. why are you asking questions? you should've prepared beforehand! its your fault. you should be ashamed of yourself. look at you, you broke the ampule! what are you scared of? why are you acting like a kid putting on a scene? why are you crying? you are worthless. oh the fluid got stuck and it hurts? well why didnt you call her? whats the problem? you should've known better. you moved your arm, why wont you just lay still? why are you crying like a baby? be a man you dipshit! its your fault you ended up like this. you shouldnt even be here. you're just a useless pile of garbage.

why is this here?

if i really think about this, its really, really, really, really, really embarassing.

why should anyone care about this? it's really self indulgent, putting this out here on the netz. though it's just a way for me to really put out how i really feel so anyone who really cares has a window into my mind, for some context as to how it works. and to calm this part of myself that so desperately wants to be heard without the pain of actually directly approaching anyone.

it is small step in being more true to myself, and to others. also a journal that i should feel a little bit less inclined to delete on a whim - which im way too prone to doing.

avoidance

i avoid anything that might spike my anxiety even a little bit. i avoid small things that seem like really big commitments in my mind.

i avoid playing this one game because oh my god it has a cute anime girl and it seems like the story will go in a really sweet way where the girl like comforts you and you comfort her by choosing preset answers ohmygod how terrible.

i avoid buying food because i dont like spending money on it and when i do buy food its some garbage mass produced slop that is really no good for me but at the end of the day its just to fill my stomach

i avoid talking to my therapists about how im really doing because im so afraid of seeming like im faking it all and im afraid of the fact that its not helping me so id much rather just pretend it all works

i avoid playing shooters because i feel like my aim isnt good enough and yet i also avoid aim training because its obviously a waste of time

i avoid playing other genres because i feel they will either be too hard to get into, be boring, or just cringe to admit that i've played them

i avoid watching movies and anime and reading anything because once again i feel it will either be boring or cringe or i will get so absorbed by a piece of media that i will lose days just thinking aboutt it

i avoid pursuing any hobby because i am afraid it will all be a waste of time because all i care about is just the end result and my perfectionism and tendency to give a hard grade to anything i do and imagine the whole society of people i know that i have living in my head judging my every move

i avoid talking to people because i am afraid i will ruin the mood or seem too egotistical or make the other people feel bad or they will just not understand me or get mad at me

i avoid doing silly google searches because i imagine the people in my head judging me for it or the fact that the silly little llm will say "oh no you need professional help right now"

i avoid saying silly stuff to ai because i am afraid that i am once again will be judged by the council in my own head

i am always sitting in one place. always. i never do anything. i just wait for the day everything will magically work out. i am afraid of the consequences i picture in my mind and im afraid of not doing things correctly. i always need the perfect answer, the perfect solution to everything. no mistakes. everything going according to plan. no bad feelings. only joy happy success.

i beat myself up over any little thing. a single sentence will send me spiraling down. its all the same topics that im afraid to even mention. like all this talk about pedophiles again... everyone will judge you based on the cover. if you as much as admit to playing one game you will be labeled a predator rapist groomer etc etc. if you so much as say "i dont think he's really a pedo" everyone will call you a scumbag for defending a piece of shit human that does not deserve to live.

why do i keep fighting in these debates in my own head all the time? i just want to be friends with everyone. i dont think anyone is purely evil. i want to believe there is a human worth talking to and having as a friend. this might all just stem from the fact that i just long for a true connection with someone else. even if i do have what people could consider friends i just dont feel that "connection", i dont think i really trust them on an emotional level. i just dont know if i could ever trust anyone ever. all i wish is to hug someone and really feel that hug in the deepest depths of my soul. like i just want a solid pole to hold on to in this crazy crazy world of my own creation.

to reiterate how sensitive i am: a single message of "oleds are gay" can send me spiraling. i think oled monitors are really great just because of their motion clarity and input lag. the durability issues seem to have been worked out now and all the maintenance you really have to do is to keep the monitor off for a couple minutes. but im so afraid of getting into that debate because i just know the other person isnt going to agree with me. i want for the other person to agree with me and if not i will just avoid the debate at all. instead i will debate in my own head and subconsciously put the opinions of others above my own opinions. even if they are not someone i particularly want to be friends with, or like just agree with... i think of others way too much and i put everyone else above me... every time

i just hate myself so much. all of this whining and crying over nothing. i have the best life i could ever ask for. everything is going in my favor and yet i reject it all meanwhile other people have it 10x worse and yet seem to be in a better state of mind than me. this is all about mememmememememememememememememememememjemememememememememeememememememememememememememememememememmemmememmemememmememmememmememmememememmemmememmemememmememmem emeememememmememmemmememmememmemememmemmememmemememmememmememmemememmemmememmemmemememmemmememmemememmememmmemmemememmememmemememmemmemememmememmemmememmemmemememmmememmememmememmemememmememmemememmemmememmemmememmememmememmememmemememmememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememememmeememmemememememememeemwmemeemememememememememe

nobody will understand me because i will refuse to be truly honest with anyone even if i desire that understanding so much. i will close myself off once again in my own self loathing cage because i am but a greedy coward. all i would ever with another person is just cry and complain to them all the time. nobody wants a friend like that. who is a friend? can a friend be a friend if they cant give anything back?

everything is transactionary in nature. every single social interaction. if i give nothing i will continue to berate myself over it. my mistake. my mistakes. my failure. im sorry. please forgive me. please be my friend. im sorry if i said anything wrong. please just be my friend. im so sorry. please just be with me. please just understand me. please just help me. help me please. i just want you to help me please. fix me. get me out of this hole. please i just want a friend. please help me. please fix me. im so sorry for being this way. please. im so sorry. im so sorry. please. please dont leave me. please i want you to be my friend. sorry that im avoiding you. im afraid of being a nuisance. please. im sorry. please be my friend. please help me. please.

i avoid even talking in my native language. i avoid saying anything out loud. because i am afraid. i dont even know what im afraid of. admitting my weaknesses? it all does nothing but to disconnect myself further from my feeliings. i feel nothing but a dull sensation of anxiety. my fingers move but i dont feel much at all. i think im thinking but maybe its just my logic acting and not my emotions. i just wish for a release. but what would a release do if i come back to this same place again. i hope somebody understands me. but i will not be there for you to help me because i am afraid. please be my friend. i will not be your friend and i will avoid you as much as possible because i am afraid. please help me. i am afraid. please leave me alone. im tired

introspection

falling into that rabbithole of self-help videos... im not sure its gonna help me necessarily. ive been doing so much introspection during my whole life after all that it seems like ive analyzed myself enough.

obviously thats not true! but what is true is that i've grown to shape myself by my own delusions i thought would be the answer to my problems...

i can analyze the advice given, i can do the exercises, but what will come out of it? who will rate my results? obviously that would be me. or a delusional representation of a therapist i have constructed inside my head.

i'm kind of addicted to gobbling up all this advice, thinking the more i know the better off i'll be.

thats all thinking and no doing though... all i lack is the doing...

what do i want

what do you want? uhh i wanna play game... uh votv. but so many new changes, and my brain is kinda low on power. uh i wanted to make a visualizer kinda thing with short loops of tracks i liked but neocities doesnt allow uploading mp3s... i wanna work on my yno navbot thingie but im uh kind of uhh... i wanna run but i also want fitbit premium back but there is so much bullshit to fix with my google payments profile because for whatever reason i created a google cloud project and my billing account got terminated for fraudulent behavior - though i had done nuthin!! and uhh... drawing. i uh. no thats too big of a deal for me. why do i make such a big deal of everything? i've kinda gotten into this bad habit of going from one app to the other yadda yadda. not productive! oh i wanna play so many games. but they feel like such massive undertakings... they arent really by themselves, but i cling onto stuff a bit too hard if i actually enjoy it...

i need to figure out what i wanna go to the therapist with. like choose what i wanna say. obviously the fact that i kinda sit in my comfortable depression-like state where i dont really feel happy nor sad. i mean thats just normal life right? but where it gets tough is when i just get into a stupid thing like obsessing over my words per minute. i can go for weeks just nolifing practicing my typing. and for what purpose? just bigger number feel good. i've went over this already.

i also tend to dismiss my previous problems and then go for months in this trance like state where i just chase the easiest dopamine source. thats no good. but big actually important things feel too big! and whenever i try to approach this big thing i get so overwhelmed with fear and other emotions i just tend to explosively breakdown... and then get back to my comfortable existence of chasing cheap dopamine.

i'd love to have a good way of making these huge fears of mine more manageable. i'd also like to stop living my life in my head. i dismiss all my wants just by playing them out in my head, picturing an unrewarding disappointing result and just not going through with it. i barely managed to even eat today and more than that just start to ramble here. it just didnt feel necessary. like i woke up feeling fine, even though i overslept for like 14 hours and then just got icecream and didnt know what to do. i had things i wanted to do a couple days ago but today i just didnt feel like doing anything. i mean i dont feel anxious, thats good right? nothing worth going to therapy for, right? but then like why did i have such a big breakdown before new years? i barely even remember last week. im just in a trance. until reality catches up to me and i start feeling worse.

i think thats the major cycle i've been trying to figure out. i've known that i operate according to a cycle for the past few years but i just couldn't figure out what the cycle was. especially because i have such a bad habit of venting in weird public-ish places and then deleting all the traces of those vents, so i dont really remember why i felt so bad. i think it really is just me dismissing my emotions and my needs and just going with whatever is right, which is getting a proper education and going for a job. but im obviously not content with my major. so when i try to push through it i just end up bottling all my emotions until i burst and become non functional, which makes me draw away from everyone and everything. and it gets worse with each cycle. i mean i cant even draw a simple face anymore i just scribble, because drawing a face carries too much of a risk of me becoming unhappy with my results. i also keep dreaming of failing classes in school. i dont know why that is.

i dont feel like i got control over my life, even my brain sometimes. i guess i convinced myself of that back in school, i kept thinking that if i just go with whatever feels easiest i'll be in a happy place. which is obviously not how it works now that i tried following that... idk that doesnt feel right, this answer. it doesnt feel right.

i like lying. i like lying about my wellbeing. i like lying about what im doing. i dont like being sincere. that feels like just complaining.

i need to learn to trust people.

what was happening again? i was anxious during the night. and then i asked myself why i like looking at art and why i still felt the need to draw. then i tried drawing and understood that i couldnt. then i tried to cry and couldnt. then i just went speed walking into some city outskirts where it was very cold and my heart was pounding out of my chest. then i rode the bus back home and threw my sketchbook at the wall over and over. and then i threw it out. and then i went in the shower. and i tried to cry but could only shed a few tears. then i went to my pc and tried to play zato but just felt embarrassed and out of it. and i realized i could only look at myself through third person. or rather think. i feel everything but i feel disconnected at the same time.

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danger

i should prepare myself. you never know who you will meet outside. its unfortunate that i like the nighttime so much. its the most dangerous time of the day.

even during daytime i keep picturing myself in streetfights with those groups of teenagers in all black grouped around a boxing arcade. those men smoking in the corner, i might look at them wrong and they might gang up on me. that guy with a bag full of alcohol, you dont know what hes thinking.

i think i look unfriendly, thats bad. im look unapproachable by regular people. i look like i will say mean things to them. i probably will. i should fix that. but if i look friendly the dangerous people might still beat me regardless. you should prepare for the worst outcome everytime its natural for the survival of a living being like a human.

i know this is all silly if i really think about it but i feel as if im in constant danger its so tiring. i even took my pills today. i just feel number but the anxiety is still there. if i take the sedatives i will feel all tired and sleepy again.

im dreaming of finding my people, though i dont even know how they would look like. i dont know how they would act like. i just hope i could feel safe with a group of people. any group of people just makes me more anxious. any group at all. its a survival instinct really, greater numbers are more dangerous.

i want to sleep but my body is on full alert. my brain is tired but the siren is still blaring. god i sound like a robot.

addicted

there is a tendency for me to maximize scores in video games. not like in a cool way where i come up with a really clever strategy. no this is either just following a guide online word for word or just grinding the hell out of one repetitive task. am i having fun? wouldn't really say so. i think it makes me feel a little bit more worthy, like i have achieved something somewhere.

i am really bad with needing a reward for my actions. might not even be cause of my diagnosis! something about phones and social media and instant dopamine. but do i feel it? i dunno. i guess if i keep opening up twitter to look at the pretty drawings my body gets the dopamine. reward... rewards rewards rewards.

why cant i enjoy a hobby just for fun? something to do which does not require me to be absolutely perfect at it, super A+ deluxe magnum results. i still keep thinking to art class in middle school which i really hated just because i wasn't really good at it, and i kept getting D's and C's and F's. a whole lot of F's, just because i would realize i'm not gonna get an A for this and therefore why should i even bother? this principle has been plaguing me my whole life. there's no reason to try at something which does not seem to be giving any instant positive feedback. why keep going if your brain tells you: "people will not like this, you will not get praise for this, you will hate yourself and you will not get anything out of this. stop immediately and get back to getting the good grades in something else".

i like blaming the education system for this. of course it's built for an average human mind, one which does not struggle with uhm... whatever i struggle with. (oh what can't explain your struggles again? clearly you're just faking all of this for attention and pity).

i look at people. i look at how good they are right now. they've gotten so good at what they do! i love them for that. they can bring something good to the world. something other people can enjoy. clearly they have a purpose in life, and that is to make other people feel good! just a chemical reaction in their brains that recognizes a positive stimuli.

of course i can't read other people's minds. no one can! it's impossible. if anyone tells you otherwise they're simply delusional. but if that brings them comfort then good on them i guess. we aren't really built to think this much about the nature of everything. there's just not enough mental bandwidth to process everything. at some point you have to settle with where you are in your rambles and say "okay this makes me feel okay enough about this particular question. i can now go on with my life". i don't feel that kind of response in my brain. nothing makes me feel fulfilled. i keep spinning and spinning and spinning in circles, eating myself up, getting nowhere. infinity infinity infinity infinity infinity.

where do i get the infinity plus one? i can't just conjure up a "one" in my head can i? maybe i need to pull it out from somewhere... can i use a character? can i use a character from a piece of media, assimilate it into my personal universe and treat it as an observer? i guess i've been kind of doing that by looking at fan art... maybe not consciously. what if i start thinking about it? the logic seems kind of off... you don't wanna get too deep into your delusions right? there's nobody else in your head but you. but i feel so much better if i just have that "one" in my head...

i should stop trying to be normal. normal might just be my own delusional perception of how a human works. i don't know how they work, i'm not a scientist, i'm not a psychologist! but yet i feel the need to abide by those rules of "normal". others perceieve you. actual human beings outside of your own head. but you can't get into their head, so all you can do is try to follow a rough guideline which you have come up with in your own head. yea that's about right...

but some people like you for your true self! like the abnormal one. and trying to constantly filter yourself into being normal is waaay too mentally taxing for a human brain to do constantly 24/7. once again - there's not enough mental bandwidth to do all of that. you should just be content with how you are...

the anxiety. anxiety. i have an anxiety disorder. i feel it right now. i feel my chest hurting. i feel emptiness in my stomach. my body feels as if it's in danger. hurt and in danger. must run away. run away to safety. but where? you can't run anywhere. you're stuck here. so what do you do? what does you brain do? your brain tries to come up with a reason for why your body feels in danger. last thing we thought about was how people percieve you. you just showed up in discord to send a couple of messages. those messages sure do look quite weird and strange don't they? you just made someone worry about you. you should feel guilty. you did this. they can't help you, you should've never shown yourself like this! just be normal and nobody will ever think of you.

that's what you wanted all your life isn't it? to just be an observer. yes that's right. exactly an "observer". nothing more. nothing less. a spectator. a ghost? just floating through the world, enjoying its' beauty. enjoying the presence of other people and their wonderful creations. everything is so beautiful. and nobody even has a clue you exist. they don't have a reason to feel bad because of you, neither do they have a reason they feel good because of you! i guess that's a positive right? does that end up being a positive?

i'm bad at maths. if there is neither a negative nor a positive, what does that equal? null? is null good? is nothing at all good? nothing for you to experience, nothing for you to think, to feel, to create.

i don't like thinking about the ways to achieve null. they are sad. they make other people sad! if you do it, the people who know you will feel sad. they will always feel sad whenever they think of you. that is so sad.

you just have to make do with what you have been dealt. just be. but my brain never lets me rest. i just feel bad by default. the meds just numb it. numb everything. the postiives, the negatives. they achieve null! oh right how could i forget about that!!! null! there it is! nothing! modern medicine sure is wonderful!

but can you think of the higher meaning for a bit? like.. the concept of a soul... and... stuff... i have never thought in that direction much... or at all really. i'm skeptical by nature. only logical things make sense. you're just a bunch of meat in an enclosure of skin. nothing more to it.

i guess we don't really understand brains, do we? at least we haven't arrived at an explanation for how it works that is understandable enough for the general population. i mean i've not heard of any explanations like that. we just have hormones and neural connections and something. some parts react to certain stimuli, some parts can malfunction and activate all the time. that's sorta what i have! i guess! maybe! i don't know! that is just what i have been told.

i guess i trust my diagnosis. just the two sentences. reading about some articles, it makes it seem as if it is describing my whole life up to this point! it kind of feels like the "one" i so much desire. just a glimpse of a feeling that there might be someone who understands you.

i wish we could all be human books. ones you can just open up and read. no secrets to hide. no miscommunications. but words can have lots of meanings, so i guess a book isn't the best analogy... is the ability to get into someone's head better? just having the possibility to stop thinking as "you" and start thinking as "them"... i guess this is what i am doing right now. just typing it all out... stream of consciousness. this is my brain. this is who i am. this is what i think. this is me. this is all that i am. this is my universe. you are in my universe right now. you are in me (pause). hah gayyy!!!!!!!

heartache

no sleep, something deep inside me aching all the time. no matter the medication there's a hole that i cannot fill. i cant even begin to understand where this is coming from. a deep distrust of everything around me. i wish i could cry easier, but its either all or nothing, either a full blown screaming yelling mental breakdown or just quiet discomfort.

not even feeling anything putting this all out on the webz... i just hope i won't delete all of this again like i've done so so so so so so many times. i keep running away from all discomfort but it leads me nowhere. just mindless numbing grind. hell it might just be grinding this stupid ass kovaaks leaderboard i'm pretty sure i spent a whole month doing nothing but that. i'm not getting anywhere like this am i?

future looks bleak. what am i to do with a paper that says "haha i know computer thing" in a country that says "no no you use computer how WE like it". i have never even considered this being my "dream job". i'm still refering to everything in vague terms like "computer thing". it's all it really is to me. nothing much than a thing. well i guess i have a little bit more of knowledge to it rather than it being a black box to me. still this is like worthless innit? but then again apparently the average human barely knows what "le ai" even is... just a robot that like does magic???

i just hate how i feel like i woke up not even a year ago. everything is a black hole to me. makes sense for a psychasthenic! everything is so easy to just throw away as being cuz of "the diagnosis". i mean hell i actually only looked into my diagnosis a year after it was given to me! because no one has actually explained what it all is!

i just want someone to care about me i guess. but in a way they can actually help me! i've realized the idea of someone trying to care for me, but failing and their failures being so visible just from a glance at me, is so deeply hurtful. i dont want other people to feel bad! if you are reading this please dont feel bad for me! i know how it feels firsthand, and i doubt i can ever muster up the courage to apologize to them. and a sorry would probably not be enough. i couldn't say "i'm sorry" enough times, to forgive myself.

it's all about me isn't it? all i can ever think of is myself. if you think about it - you're always in your own head, aren't you? like they say "you need to get out of your head", but you can't literally hop out of it, can you? i guess some people are built in a way in which they can like... meditate to a higher state of being. or or or! some people struggle with dissociation and depersonalization and all that! i think i've had that a couple times, most notably during my first year of uni. the existential dread being so heavy i just instinctually escaped from everything. i wish i didn't delete my telegram channel, all of it was there...

all i do is think think think think think think think think think think think think think think thi nkthi tnk hitnk htink and i play out conversations in my mind and i just cant rest and im a sicko. why are you trying to write a whole paper on the topic of lolicon being pedophilia or not? scientific papers haven't had conclusive evidence on it. cant be sure about it right? what is otaku sexuality? attraction to drawn lines? you dont see a human in these lines do you? just a 2d creature, right? what is that do you see? what goes on in your mind? why do you react this way to visual stimuli? you have no ill intentions right? why would you ever load your mind with this. nothing changes if you do or don't arrive at an answer you can't change anything. I'm so tired of you. why can't you answer this? why do you keep contradicting yourself? everyone hates you. i hate you. everyone hates you. you are sick in the head. i hate you. how do others look at you? you are a disappointment. coward. i hate you so much. why do you keep thinking. just give it up already. you will never please anyone. just stop please. i just want to sleep why do you keep imagining fights with yourself. why do you keep hurting yourself. please just give me a break. im so tired. hours upon hours of internal conflict. hours and hours and hours and hours and days and weeks. im so tired of you. i wish i wasn't ever awake. im so tired of you. just please stop. im so tired. please. stop. tired. sleep. please. i hate you. im so tired. please. please. stop. nobody is looking at you. its just you. please. its just me. its just you. me. you. staring at a screen. nothing more. theres noone here. please stop already. im so tired. please stop imagining people. there's nobody here. nobody. nobody. nobody. Nobody. its just you. stop already. please stop. please just stop. the way you present this ramble. the way you present this article. this post. so shameful. you should be ashamed of yourself. this is just sad and pathetic. this is just you beating yourself up for no reason. just stop already its only you. it has only ever been you. theres no one else here. you just lay in bed and immediately feel in danger. the moment you close your eyes your mind starts to drift off into delusional explanations as to why your body feels such immense pressure and all the sleepiness immediately vanishes and gets replaced with anxiety and emptiness in your stomach and chest and your feet ache and your arms ache and you sweat and everything goes numb and tired and please will you just go to sleep. people cant feel sympathy for you they will just exploit you, yknow? there just cant be sympathy out of the good of the heart, everyone expects something from someone. my arms hurt so bad. im so afraid of going back into psychiatric care. im sorry i havent been taking all my pills. im sorry im not making sense. please just understand me that i dont understand myself. im so scared. i feel as if i have woken up from a nightmare but i dont remember the nightmare at all. and i dont actually feel bad do i? all the emotions are fake. i think about the emotions but i dont feel them. how about drawing? maybe you should draw and draw and draw and draw and post it here? what do you expect to gain from this? what is the desire to vent? why does it have to be public if you're so scared of people caring for you? i dont understand you. why do you want to create shitty drawings and then upload them onto your shitty website for people to look at at and go "yeag sure whatever". if you're in your head, why cant you feel the same way about it all? why cabt you just go "yeah sure whatever" about everything on your lifem.. why does it not work this way? i dont understand you at all. im picturing myself moving to another uni and meeting my old classmates from school and having to explain that i just wasted two year of uni because i am mentally ill as shit and better yet i am about to go take another academic leave for a year because i am unable to function as a human being i am just so scared of life and everything in it i can constantly feel like my heart will burst out of my chest due to the sheer panic i experience in any situation ever with no real danger present just because of how my body has been built to react to any sliver of danger as an apocalyptic danger to my life. why did you stop taking your pills? because your grandpa keeps asking you when you're getting off of them. and so does my grandma. they just treat this as a common cold to be cured.

websiting

look look i'm websiting! at long last...

oh man i can barely design... hope it's coherent and consistent enough.

i'll need to add a section for samples too, whosampled is slow as shit at accepting niche samples for niche artists!

scary stuff this right here...

looks like i can actually sync this website via github, then github actions... also i should maybe add a to-do for this website?

zato second playthrough

i just can't keep it all inside me!!! i hope my signal will be strong enough...

a concept of a zato... i havent grown up in one, but it did feel like it at times - a small nondescript village somewhere in siberia. everyone knows everyone by name, everythings close yadda yadda... that hooked me in immediately

intro text flowed so naturally too - its just feels so similar. from a single common fact to grandiose realizations of everything there is.

the thing about the universe not existing solely to be observed... never would've thought about it from that angle. an "unwell" creature, so interesting to observe from a scientific angle, just how did it come to be like this? how did everything happen? really is a miracle. but that miracle might wanna give something to someone else, whatever it might be. if the universe is everything, you cant really give something to yourself can you? you need some observers to give to!

on second playthrough i cant help but read it all as asya making sense of herself, yknow especially with the ending where she carries a message to the universe, which evades her as she climbs the tower. theres a theory that tosya is another part of asya. both climbing up to reach the universe, the universe being the "whole" asya. the end art did strike me as oddly similar to asya instead of tosya. and the thing about the names being replaced with "me" and "you", made me think this was asya writing this story to herself. "me" is asya, and "you" is asya, and thats how it should be. love yourself, now!!!!

urgh the subtle digs at herself being arrogant, not being thankful enough, etc hit so hard home. almost preemptively responding to a question from a hypothetical listener... trying so hard not to seem like a spoiled brat, because you've got everything, what is there not to be happy about? you should be thankful you're even alive!

talking about humans as "creatures", "animals", "survival". hits so close home - not entirely sure of how to explain why "these" thoughts come to your mind. it's easier to look at it from a scientific standpoint, fundamentally we should be acting according to nature, or "code". kind of makes sense asya on her way to accepting herself would come to terms with it. it simply is. some people are just more inclined to look inward, explain themselves as being part of nature. everything makes sense yes!...

might be somewhat selfish of asya to think of herself as the universe (which she does point out multiple times!), but what is there for a mind like hers? prone to digging deep, you cant really dig too deep into other people - you end up putting yourself in their heads - you end up digging into yourself. when you try to rationalize what other people think, you arent suddenly transported into their heads, you're still in your own mind...

coming to that realization, that you're quite literally built different, born this way, born to work this way and think these thoughts... makes sense to think of yourself as something more than a "normal" human. rationalizing your own "abnormal" feelings and thoughts, regular "human" logic doesn't quite feel right to apply in this case. there has to be some other explanation, something greater.

thinking of a universe as a child that hasnt quite matured yet, not having gotten to develop self-awareness. self-awareness can hurt, trying to understand what other people think of you (once again you're just placing your own mind in theirs, digging in yourself) is hard. maturing is scary. growing up is scary. feels comfier to be a child, curious about itself. everything is you, you are everything (if you keep thinking, you're in your own mind!)

still you can only dig in yourself so deep, you still have a natural desire to be perceived, to be part of something.

"the universe gradually felt the desire to be seen. it wanted to be admired, loved and observed, because there's nothing more a world can do but to observe itself. it's the best and only pastime there is, as far as the world is concerned."

"if observation is good, more observation is even better!". it's interesting to understand how others perceive you, even if it hurts you just feel the need. introspection is good, but expanding to include other conclusion about yourself is even better! can't understand yourself fully without including other people's view of you. once again, don't get stuck in your own mind, it's good to have someone else!

"infinity plus one exists". you can infinitely dig in yourself, but there is technically a bigger number! you can't reach it if you were the single observer.

might have just dumbed down, chewed up her thoughts and conclusions...

have to give credit to asya, it's such a beautiful way of making sense of everything... feels good to have asya give so much credit to the universe- and at the end with universe becoming herself!!! oh god its so beautiful!!! the self love is incredible!!!!

then she drifts back to thinking of us all as worthless insects, herself included... so close asya... so close yet so far!!! i can't help but feel like this train of thought is so familiar. thank you game!!!

vadim... you're so familiar and i hate it. even his surname, "Garin", "Гарин", "Гарь"... he really does stink! him and his group of classmates are so comically mean... kind of makes me think... the universe, asya is the universe, vadim and his classmates are just personifications of asya's self-loathing. but she can't be angry at them, after all the universe is so beautiful!! you should be thankful all of this even exists!!! this is how it should be.... this is the code... this is the absolute line... everything is as it should be...

their conversations... these thoughts... they all make sense, and yet its still ticking her off... there's still a part of her humane self that understands how mean and unwarranted this all is... too bad she's not quite accepting of the reality at the beggining. still afraid of seeming like a selfish brat, even beginning to think this is mean! the universe created these people! its how it should be...

a glimpse of understanding - "nobody will save me... gross". gross?? oh please asya!!!